By Amanda Rivera—
When I look up from the moist grass into a sky filled with mist, I can’t help but think that there is more. I know what my mother would tell me. Lervine you know better, she would say. Nevertheless, I don’t. I don’t know any better. I’m only fifteen! I’m supposed to make mistakes not him!
I need to get up. Picking myself up from the grass I can feel the weight on my shoulders starting to weigh down. I don’t wanna go back. Letting a breath go, I opened the gate to get ready to go back home. Home is such a strong word in the sense of having that feeling that you belong. I feel like I belong here. My home is not with Pa and his new wife Clarissa and her perfect child, who couldn’t do no wrong.
I look back to the home that I once belonged in. I could see shadows of the past. Loddy, Mama and I are in the kitchen cooking her grandmother’s secret recipe for gumbo. All around us we could smell sweet and savory smells fill up in the air around us.
“Woooo weeee!” Pa would scream from the study like he had smelled it for the first time.
So many memories we had in that house, and now they’re getting ready to tear it down. Makes sense since Hurricane Betsy took half of it with her as she strolled on through New Orleans. Mama and Loddy should have never been in that house.
As I walk up to the steps of the new house all I could think is wow! This house sure is bougie! It was big and not like comfortable big but huge! There was a room for everything, and you could literally be on opposite ends of the house and not speak to anyone. That’s how she liked it though. Ever since I met her, I knew she liked flashing around her money. She would flaunt her wealth and herself like a prize-winning dog. Pa fell for it, or maybe he fell for her money. Who knew, but he certainly didn’t have the same smile anymore.
I pull out my keys and start to fumble with them as I hear voices coming from inside. I knew that Pa had just come back from a meeting with Clarissa’s father, so maybe she was home as well. Glancing down at my watch I knew Zeke must still be with his grandma. I slow my breathing and press my ear against the door. Crash! Ah…sounds like a plate.
I breathe out and open the door in the same motion. They are yelling. Again. Lately, this has been the thing to do for them. Clarissa walks past me and into the living room, belly entering first. Pa follows like he did something wrong when I know she threw the plate. He stops and looks at me. Shocked.
“Uh… Erm…” He stumbles to find the words to put into sentences that would make this seemingly okay. But it won’t.
I put my hand up as a gesture to say it’s okay, I understand. He smiles and continues to follow behind her. Arguments continue, she starts to cry and apologize. That’s my cue to take a hint. I dash up the stairs, and their voices start to drown out and fade.
I open the door to my room and silently close it behind me. Sighing, I turn around and analyze the room. Not once have I ever had such nice things. Clarissa flaunted her money, but she definitely had nice taste. She had gotten together with Charles Sevigny and revamped the entire home from what it once was. Ugh thoughts like her having good taste is what is going to make me fall for her act. Of course, it was all an act.
I hear a faint knocking on the door, and my father’s voice at the end of it.
“Can I enter?” he asks.
“Yes, please” I respond knowing that he must be coming in to explain what has just happened.
He takes a deep breath and starts, “I need you to understand that she’s not a bad person it’s just a bad time...”
Going on he explains what’s been going on with her. Like I haven’t heard it all before. I roll my eyes in my mind and careful not to do so on the outside. I may not like her but, my father will feel distain towards me if I were to disrespect him in any manner. I knew better. My Mama taught me better. Make sure you respect your elders; I can hear her voice in the back of my mind. As he continues on, I assure him that it is and will be okay.
“I understand,” I say back to him with a slight smile.
He smiles back and hugs me hard. Ever since that day Loddy and Mama were taken away from us Pa lost his smile. The same one he looked at Ma and us with, but ever so often, when Pa and I would talk he would give me just a sneak of that same smile.
Whenever I would see it I knew I was going to be okay.
Through all the highs and lows, Pa and I went through for the past 6 years I knew with him it would be okay. In the best way he knew he tried. Maybe he thought that he was giving us a second chance with a new family, not by replacing them but adding on. I always felt like he made a mistake marrying Clarissa and moving us all the way out here.
He pushed me back to take a good look at my face one more time. I looked back at him. Before I knew it, tears flowed down my cheeks. He grabbed me again and wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his pressed shirt.
Yeah, I still hate her.
And I cried.